Too quiet...

Hey there all...

If you enjoyed reading my prattlings (or realised they were probably the closest you were gonna get to finding out how I am) you'd have noticed that I've not posted ANYTHING in a good long time...

Aside from declining typing skills, (you wont see that though because I edot,) I'm pretty much as capable as I always have been. This should mean to you that I've been scraping by on as little work as I can get away with, and wasting a lot of my time playing too many games.

Theres not much I really want to tell the whole world at this point in time, (but of course its not the whole world but the handful of people that are using this to spy on me.)

For what it's worth, this post is just to tell you all that I am still alive and mostly well. Hope things are good your end of things.

z z z z z

Hey there all!

It’s been a long time hasn’t it? Between occupying a new home, work and other projects, I’ve been very busy.

I’ve settled in well to my new home, it’s just great having my own space, and having a whole house of it is nothing short of epic win. I’ve managed to survive the first week blitz of things that need paying and have a pretty solid budget planned out. Things are still tight, and I can think of people I can blame for that, but things are alright.

Work is not driving me as insane as it used to. Someone said, Charlie Shultz I think: “The secret of life is hanging around until you get used to it.” I think I’m beginning to get used to it. I was late today, which is not good. But it is the first time in this post, which I’ve had since January.

I’m back to playing maplestory, and making a nuisance of myself online. I’m working on another project, but I can’t talk about it; I’d break the rules of the internet. It is a very exciting project and I’m very glad to be a part of it, it’s just eating up my time as I delve deep into the vast pool of information around it.

Overall, I’m very positive. Despite spending half my time completely on my own, usually loneliness and such would be making my life hell, but I apparently seem to feel OK. I just need the whole work/finances thing to let up a little, and I could feel perfect. I am very peaceful and happy, which is odd ‘cos I know I’m a worrier.

Take care all.

Hey there all,

These last few weeks have been the longest in my life.

But I move in three days, so they’ll soon be over.

Now I’ve started making plans to move I’ve had things shift in speed, the days pass quicker and I’m excited about the whole thing.

I am however completely annoyed at my family, especially my parents who are still treating me like some lost little 5-year-old. What the hell do I have to do to prove my independence and grown-up status? And why do I have this sneaking suspicion that there isn’t anything?

I’m a little out of patience and focus today. I want to get on with living my life but everything keeps holding me back, it’s slightly distracting.

I've been keeping an almost daily journal lately too; I have a lot of very private things bugging me.

Numbers divisible by 3…

Hey there all...

Number 3, number on the door of my next home, beginning February. I’m very happy with the house and am looking forward to living there. Having perfect solitude without the threat of incoming housemates. Bliss…

And although I know this is a common affliction to man, I will still complain about it, but this house is going to cost me so much time, effort and money to keep. Living on your own is bloody expensive. I punched up the numbers and found I have an extraordinarily small amount to have fun with, and little margin for time off.

This means: Chris gets serious about work.

I can’t afford to not keep at my temporary jobs relentlessly. Am I ready to seek full time permanent work? No, not yet, and I suspect Bradford is not the place that I would seek that from, but it may be worth it for the extra money, even if I am going to leave town next year.

Six months was too adventurous a target for leaving, nothing does a six month contract anymore and that is a shame, because it looks like I’m spending another year here.

Still, I’m looking forward to the increased privacy and I’m looking forward to the things I’m going to be able to do and the peace I’ll be able to find in it. I’m probably going to turn into a secluded little hermit, and frankly, I don’t think I’ll care if I’m happy. I’ve been told nobody likes a loner, and I’ve never been anything but, I guess it’s time to start being honest about it. It’s not that I don’t like people; it’s just that I don’t like them getting too close.

The only problem I have to deal with now is that I’m staying at my mum’s house for the next three weeks, and last night my laptop died (ceased functioning within normal parameters), and left me without my main sanity preserver. After a spree of file saving to a USB stick after it began to malfunction I’ve managed to save my personal files and documents, the stuff I produced and can’t replace, ready for transfer to ‘Debbie’, my desktop computer.

I had planned to build a new computer, to finish at the end of March, so all I needed was my laptop to last until then at least, but alas, I expected too much for the tired and worn piece of hardware. Alongside desperate heat problems, the display panel had stopped working properly. I’m going to have to have a fiddle inside now it’s gone completely, and see if I can breathe some life back into it. Oh well, I guess it will give me something to do even if I can’t access the web again…

Until next time.

Teh update...

Hey there all.

Once again I’m slightly bored.

I’m working in city hall, have been there since the end of November, I finish here next week on Wednesday. After that I’ve Christmas and New Year free. I’m seeing someone tonight (it could be an interview, but I’ve not been asked to take anything with me) about other work prospects, but I’m not particularly hopeful. I think it’s a case of ‘I’m the only person who’s applied’; if anyone else does I’m sure it would go to them.

I’m inches away from giving up on my current writing project, it just doesn’t seem to be moving. The story and plot is there and ready to be written, but I can’t seem to deal the finishing blow and get it out and finished. I have another idea I could use to start a new novel, but I’m holding it until after I make a decision. It’s been almost half a year on the writing phase so far, and I’m about half way through. I’m not sure how that measures up to normal writing standards, but it is still teh suck compared to ‘The Last Delivery’ which took a month to write start to finish. I may just have to accept it and keep trying.

I’ve just had to design an office plan to include an extra couple of desks in an office; that done, I’m now working down to leaving for my interview/whatever.

See you around.

Comments for Links Scheme

Hey there all.

As you will notice, on the side there (<-----), there are no links to other places. As this is usually bad practice (who'll link me if I don't link them?) I thought I'd ask for you guys (he says to the tumbleweed signifying a complete lack of human presence,) to leave a comment and have your link on the page.

Anyway, depressed ramblings will continue another time. (They always come out like that for some reason, I'm just describing how things are and then someone asks if I'm OK, like I'm going for something sharp or looking for a tall building to leap from.)

Till next time.

(ED: There it is, told you so. Someone commented and now he has a link. Your turn...)

Moving-On Plan

Hey there all...

A lot has happened today.

Time for an explanation… except I’m not sure where to begin.

I have the bitter dispute, impending unemployment, and impending homelessness. And saying that just makes it sound bad.

I feel like I am at a crisis point.

The dispute is finished. I have been written off by my adversary, and I forgive him. My faith is stronger than his anger (and stronger than my own) and I can say that I will trust God to provide what I need, so I won’t be pushing to get the money I have lost back (but I wont refuse it if it comes back anyway). There shouldn’t be argument or bitter disputes, and I will let it go, not just for my own sake, but for those watching my example. I’ve felt like the whole thing has been just too materialistic and pointless, I had been saying I couldn’t afford to let it go, but I had been forgetting that God can provide despite my stupidity. (Thank you Jonathan for the email, it provoked me to put things in perspective)

I found out today that I would be ‘let go’ on the 30th. This is a bit sooner than I had anticipated (like a whole month sooner) and doesn’t exactly put me in the best position for seeing in the new-year peacefully. Everything I would have made working through December would have been put aside for gaining a new home, now I’m going to be a bit short unless I find work immediately after leaving here, and I will have to re-arrange my English classes too, (although that’s a non-issue really.) I’m waiting to hear back from my agency, but I’m going to have to look closely at anything going around here for the new-year too. The whole moving to a new home is knocked and affected by all this too. I mean, I can pay Decembers way easily, but I’m going to be seriously short for anything after that unless something happens.

As for moving, I want to find a place for myself, just for six months, then after that… Well, I guess it’s time to make it official… I’ve decided that I’m going to leave Bradford; I had decided several months back that I wanted to, but now circumstances will permit it. I’ll move somewhere for 6 months, then as that draws to an end I’ll hop to another place. Where? Not sure yet…

All this in mind: it would be so very easy to despair and panic (and it’s likely I will too…) by myself, I will have to work hard to get through these things. I’m not (or ever) sure I can manage to do the necessary work to succeed, but failing wont stop God from being able to provide. ‘Trust Him’ is all I can say to myself, any encouragement I can get would help.

Staging Post

Hey there all...

The moment you start trying to do the right thing, someone, somewhere, is going to get pissed off.

That in mind, it’s also possible to annoy doing the wrong thing, so irritating others isn’t a sign that you’re in the right.

I think it may be better to follow the example of Jesus, and three events have been prominent in my thinking lately.

They’re from John’s Gospel, about how the religious leaders treated Jesus, how he responded to them, and how Jesus seemed to deal with everyone.

The religious leaders sought to silence Jesus, he was gaining more and more followers, he was a ‘threat’ to the Pharisees, he was doing what God wanted him to do instead of what the temple authorities wanted him to. (John 12:9-11, Lazarus comes into the Pharisees sights.) Some time later they pulled Jesus in front of them, and questioned him on why he was doing what he was doing, and he tells them, he hasn’t got any hidden agenda. So they hit him. Jesus’ answer? If I did something wrong, tell me, otherwise why are you hitting me? (Paraphrase John 18:19-24.)

These first two give a pretty solid example of dealing with authorities, especially those that would do us harm. Jesus does his thing, and people get annoyed. He doesn’t stop them from treating him badly, but he does call them into account. ‘Why do you hit me?’ The last month or so I’ve come under great personal attack, from church and (ex)friends and I’ve had to re-evaluate most of my entire way of working, and the whole time, it’s been because I’ve stood up for my own belief in what is right. I have lost leadership of a group, and I may be cheated out of money too. All I can ask is why. ‘Why are you treating me so badly?’ I can’t stop it by asking, but the answer may. The hope is that the people you’re asking aren’t so blind as to go as far as to take more violent action against you, but actually, the hope is in God, that no matter what they do, you will live eternally.

The last one is a point made in commentary on the triumphal entry in John, where Jesus lets everything happen around him, but no one understood their significance. Jesus lets people believe what they want, that he would deliver them from the Romans, but he never questions them, instead, he waits for them to question him, and leads them not just to the answer to the question, but much, much deeper. It’s the whole seeking to find, knocking to enter, asking to find out, and it’s always on our decision. Those that know me will know I am not inclined to start conversations or give out much when I speak. Wrestling my birth-date from me is a task suited to those with exceptional interrogative skills. But of course they’ll know that when I get talking theology I can be very difficult to shut up.
I like the asking-seeking-knocking principle, that until someone is really asking and looking and trying to get in they won’t get anywhere with me. I am trying to mimic the God who encourages searching for him, but never forces his entry into a life. There are dangers to this however, that I may appear stand-offish, or not recognise when someone is trying to get in and not open up. There’s the danger of despair as one finds that of the multitudes of people you know, only one or two will make an effort to push their way in. Of course, this extends to evangelism too, we have to be ever present in the world, but we can’t answer questions we’re not being asked, for a start, it’s bad manners, we need to make sure our hearts are right before God and if they are, evangelism can happen, whether it does or not depends on whether people are asking questions. More often than not they are, but because we want to rush in and give the answer we make a mess of it and people don’t get the answer God wants them to have.

What’s my point then? In evaluating my approach I decided I was doing OK, even if things were a complete dung-heap around me. I want to find the heart and mind of God and let him influence my life, and I encourage everyone I can to do it too. I’m re-doing my English GCSE at the moment, and I’m doing so much better now because I want to get it, rather than when I was being forced to while I was at school.

Anyway, that said, now onto the dung-heap, I am looking for a new home for the new year, but it may yet be a distinct possibility I can’t afford it thanks to my stubborn (ex)friend, and I’ll be looking to join a church early next year, and I’ve got half a fantasy novel that is crying for its other half to be created, the English GCSE is so easy I could cry, except I’ve not cried in a good long while and I think my eyes have forgotten how, and finally, I need more time to keep going to Ivalice to relax. (I was also questioning the ‘coping mechanism’ thing, how people will escape to things they like to do and whether or not it is a good thing, but I hit a brick wall when I think: ‘coping mechanism, or necessity to survival?’)

Anyway, should really get back to work…

3-Part Crisis, Unexplained

Hey there all,

I’ve been busy. I’d have liked to be able to talk about it, but I can’t really. There’s been stuff happening back to back, and every other free second has been spent lamenting my lack of free time, and trying to make time to relax, over time where I should really have been going to bed. Last night I gave up, and went to bed early. I got off the caffeine, and spent the whole day on the verge of unconsciousness. I went to bed early and woke up early, but stayed in bed until I had to get up.

I have something new starting today. I have to contact someone I met last week about something called ‘fresh expressions’. I’m a little wary, because it seems to be a project to create new church. I guess in my mind, church comes around when people in God’s family come around and be family together. I’m not really sure why I am going to go and talk, but I guess I will see what happens when I get there.

Actually, if it wasn’t for that, I would have nothing really to keep me around, not that I’d wander off, but I’d be left without anything else to do or be involved in. Gives me a nice feeling of disconnectedness, mix that in with my usual distanced behaviour and it’s not hard to imagine that I feel a bit lonely at times. What people don’t get is that when I want my own space, my own space is the last thing I want, I’m just hiding how I feel. I’m not helpful at all really when it comes to dealing with me in a bad mood. It’d also help if I didn’t have supposed ‘friends’ telling me that they are disgusted at what I’ve done to help someone else, when my help has been much more appreciated than his. So yeah, lonely and attacked, feeling like I might just break (and thinking that it may just be easier to break and run, and save the additional hassle I’m gonna get by hanging around.)

Anyway, before I start to sound (and get) really depressed, I better stop. I’m being pushed to the point of beginning to not care anymore, and having to deny how I feel to get by easier.

I’ll be back when I’ve got more news.

Doom

Hey there all

Given the circumstances, it’s still understandable why I can’t get myself focussed onto a particular task. Doesn’t make it any less annoying, but I can’t shake the sense of impending doom.

I don’t understand myself at the minute. Mr-Anti-Social-I-Don’t-Want-To-Talk-To-Anybody-Leave-Me-Alone doesn’t seem to be who I am, and I don’t think I ever was. In the last few weeks I have shot up several levels of complexity and depth, it’s getting tiring to keep explaining myself, yet it’s a habit I seem to have fallen into and I never seem to be able to explain it properly anyway. It wouldn’t be so bad, except it’s confusing the hell out of a great many people too who thought I was particularly anti-social.

Of all my great current traumas, I’m down to just one I think. The SJ's one is done for all except going around and informing the soon to be widowed and slicing off the connection that is binding. I have to make sure E knows what is happening. I refuse to slip away and be destroyed in private. Then I will go and face them and be removed, and if I’m lucky I’ll get to say why exactly I refuse to go back. This leaves sorting stuff out with J and A.

//-- there was an explanationof the J&A thing, but I decided to take it out. This whole post is cut and paste from a personal log where I have the details of the situation. --//

I am having job problems too. I have my job, but I want to do something. I want to be active in something good.

“Jobs wanted: Christian Freelancer for hire. Will take almost any job that encourages or helps other people. Fully committed to living out what it means to be in Christ as God’s son. Has experience doing almost everything, and has full ability to learn new skills. Smart and attentive to the big picture, will give every job exactly what it needs.”

How many problems can you see with that statement? (That’s not rhetoric.) I have come to know and accept in my heart that what we do is not who we are, is not what provides for us, is not the most important thing (I’m thinking of that passage in Mark, http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2012:28-33;&version=31;) God first, others second, above anything we think we should do. My problem is that my head can’t wrap itself around it.

It’s the other way around. We get it in our hearts but our heads get in the way, our heads put the blocks and the filters in place, our hearts just are what they are, fed and connecting with God, it’s our heads that cant understand how God is with us, our heads that can’t stop from being focussed on what we do and surviving. Our heads that make our Christian lives hard to live. The holy spirit lives in our hearts, nurturing and guiding, but our heads hear what is coming from our hearts and say that if we do that then… but don’t you understand that if God has guided you into something, he has a way of providing for you there? If I do what the Holy Spirit leads me in then I will be looked after and provided for by God. God doesn’t lead you into the wilderness to die; he leads you through the wilderness to the promised land and gives you all you need to get through the wilderness. That’s the principle. God loves us and provides everything we need.

Principle, it’s just a posh way of saying that that’s what God’s like.

I feel that I can do so much more, but I don’t understand how on earth I can or should do it. (The heart proposes some very confusing things.) I feel it burning, passionately and enthusiastically, but my mind doesn’t know what to do about it. It’s so obvious yet so confusing.

An experience…

As an (albeit reluctant) church leader, of a church that is not officially a church, things are difficult.

Our parent church, which has long since left us to get on with our own stuff, and only recently started getting involved when we looked to them for some guidance, by my advice, is now causing us some pretty hard problems.

The main one seems to revolve around my involvement. I am leading without being officially recognised. Originally I was, I was asked, and I accepted. Now some time down the line I am still leading, although I have terminated my relationship with the parent church. Officially, I can no longer lead their group, because I am not a member of their church. I was however asked, by the other leaders within the group, to stay on and advise, and I knew that God wanted me to stay involved (things were getting good between the three of us.) So I stayed with the leadership group. As part of my contribution to the group I developed a programme of study, and we decided to vote on whether or not we did it, or stuck with the parent church’s programme. The message I sent explaining this to everyone went out and reached the leaders of the parent church, and now they decide to get involved.

I was present at a meeting that we had set up to get the parent church supporting us again. I should not have been there the others are told. (We got nothing from the meeting anyway, the support we aimed to get had been ceased.) I set up a programme and proposed it to the group, the others are told off again. “Stop him from doing stuff!” is effectively what they are saying. I have a dominant personality, I’m acting without authority, and I have different interpretations of the bible (like heretical? I don’t think I’ve said nor done anything that goes against what I believe to be the truth). They are scared of my influence it sounds like, but then, are they just looking to protect the others from negative input (i.e. mine.)

What they don’t know is how reluctantly I am leading anyway. I never really asked for the responsibility, yet it came to me. Everyone knows how I feel about the parent church, but I’ve never said ‘don’t go’. I’ve never turned people away from them. All I’ve done is shown what’s on the other side of the coin. I stand for church unity, and I want partnership with them, equality. All we are is a pet project, now abandoned, so is our growth a bad thing? Is it bad we flourished? I don’t know, but I don’t think so. I think that we have grown, in most aspects of the word, and that shows that we have shown good leadership. I want us to grow more, my only agenda is the good of the group, it was my idea that we got in touch with our parent church and tried to get their support again. I am not fighting a grudge match against them. I’m not trying to bring them down. I’m just trying to stand and let my group stand.

Imagine my place. All the Christian input I’ve had has been gearing me up for leadership. Youth work, cell groups, unofficial training, even gifting, I’ve got it. Everyone has expected it, yet all attempts I’ve made with the parent church to try and practice it have been shot down, I’m curious as to why I even was considered for starting leading my group in the first place, but I suspect at that point I was still a nobody, even though I was running another group off with a friend. Maybe I was brought in so they could keep track of me, but clearly they’ve not done a good job if I’m branching out again.

Problem is that it’s being dealt with personally. One of the others works nearby and for a Christian organisation, and she’s been bothered at work by one of the parent church leaders. Only her, and that annoys her greatly. The other hasn’t been bothered at all. So out of the three of us: I’m causing the trouble, so they won’t deal with me. The other is pretty hard to pin down, so they won’t see her, and the one they’re bothering is getting completely annoyed with them, firstly for overstretching her in other places, and now for harassing her with church issues while she’s at work.

We are still connected to the parent church, and my aims would see us continuing a connection, but at least two thirds of the leadership is ‘against’ the current connection we share with our parent church. I’m annoyed that they are being such jerks about it. I mean, I was clear that I was going to stay and continue my involvement with the group; at the level I am involved with them.

I am trying to cope with this as best I can. I am not a scholar or a brilliantly trained theologian, but I can see that this situation is a being made worse. I just want God’s will to be done, peace to reign.

The group has validated me, I know that God wants me there (I’ve been told.) I am staying and praying for resolution. I understand the authority that is interfering, but the complaint is that it is doing more harm than good by charging in and slapping its rules over it, rather than understanding it and working with it.

If anything, it’s like I have said so many times. It’s a case of standing against that which should be stood alongside. I don’t want to form a battle line against them, because we will be crushed, but I don’t see any other way if that’s what they want.

What should I do? Stand and fight? David and Goliath style? Or submit to church leaders who are running things like a dictatorship? Why does a partnership seem so abhorrent to them? I am not after anything they would not want am I? I want the group to grow and be blessed. The only difference I see is methodology and style, and mine is the one being rejected. (If I wasn’t a firm believer, this would destroy me, and even as a firm believer, the pressure makes me falter. Lord! Give me strength!)

The one thing my body is saying is that I don’t need this: the fitfully slept nights, the stresses of the day, the risk to the security of my influence. Everything else has gone on hold while I deal with it, my entire being is now on standby and I can’t relax or do anything that I want to do. My writing is stopped, my reading is stopped, and I’m just barely able to play, in between dealing with this. My head is aching, and I’ve been having strange dreams (I don’t normally dream at all.) My eating has been more frequent and less substantial. If I understand it right, this all points to stress.

Bugger that. Whatever happens, happens, whatever has happened, has happened. Right now, I’m hungry. I'll deal with everything else when it happens.

New ads.

Hey there all.


Sorry to add them, but ads are on the blog now. If you click them, I get paid. I am not responsible for what they advertise, although I may discontinue if I see another ad like that... *ahem*

Or if you prefer, I've just added a tip jar on the right that you can give me (all) your money through paypal.

Till next time...

Lack of the net

Hey there all.

If I read one more article about how much of a security risk social networking sites like facebook are, I’m going to swear off them forever. I’m pruning down all my personal information off all these sites, because they can be used to steal things from me, used to impersonate me, and other such fraudulent activities.

I like to think I don’t give anything too sensitive away here, or if it is of a sensitive nature, it’s not sensitive to my security status.

Of course you have to ask the question anyway, how much of whom I am is plastered across teh internets? Google search is handy in finding out, (although one day I want to have my name as the first result Google churns out.) but someone wanted to, could they use what they find to bombard me with spam ads, or use it to steal my bank account (like they’d get far on the little that’s in there…) or worse yet, use my identity in other criminal acts (and have the police knocking on my door asking if I had an alibi.)

I’ve long been against the use of things like facebook for social activities anyway, this is mostly the tip of the iceberg. I’ve never been one for use of them, (and it’s not because I’m an anti-social &%@#.) I’m not likely to start ranting on about how great they are anytime soon.

For the most part, I am completely offline within my own time for the time being. So this post is made through the work internet. I’m taking the extra time I have gained to read up on a couple of subjects I had my eyes on for a while, but never had the time for. So currently I am reading up on Psychology and C++ Programming (and working on a bible study plan for energize and still writing my way through my second novel.) This month is turning out to be a good month for personal development, once I’m done with my current job, I’m going to get on the case of getting on with my education (having spent long enough sitting on my arse I’m going to make good on the threats I’ve been making to go study sometime.) I’m planning to have my first degree sorted by the time I’m 30 (god willing) knowing how planning usually works out for me, that probably wont happen, but I’m still aiming for it. (I’ll finish it late maybe.)

Anyway, got to go, even though my boss and colleagues aren’t really fussed, I find it better not to push my luck.

Numbers divisible by 6…

Hey there all.

This is my last night in this house. A few weeks back I wasn’t fussed too greatly by my imminent departure, now I feel it.

2 years, 2 months.

I’ve laughed, cried, started rebellions, squashed rebellions, entertained, made friends, made enemies, sustained a plant, stayed up all night and slept through the day, written a novel, found online gaming, picked a direction. I’ve learned, grown and matured, changed, moved on and upwards.

What I feel now is the winds of change, I’m facing a month of internetless-ness, and moving again at the end of it. Moving in with a recently made close friend, and moving on into a house with two friends. Having to brave public transport again.

I feel ill and unsettled. My situation is changing and I must adapt, and I think I’m nervous about it. Meanwhile I’m still working a job that has been more and more of a challenge this last week (my boss has been off on holiday, and her replacement just annoys me most of the time, only one more day of her left.) Been moving stuff around in my time, so I'm drained and tired too.

September, the start of a new chapter of my life, the end of my time at my home.

By the way… 6, 138, 546, 12… all numbers of houses I’ll have lived at by the end of next month, all divisible by 6, strange that.

On that day, 26 months ago…

Hey there all

In less than a week, I will have moved house.

I am a little dazed, I’ve spent the morning directing my parents on taking stuff to the tip, sending stuff to the garage of the house I am moving to, and deciding what I absolutely need to keep with me in my old house.

I still have a lot on my mind, from my ironic job (doing admin for employment courses), to trying to find time to write, to fixing my laptop which had a fatal software error, and of course including the fact I am moving at some point too. I could complain that I just don’t have enough time to fit it all in, but even with more time I still would have dealt with things the way I did.

Financially things are smooth, I’ve no more rent to pay on my old house, and I’ve not had any indication that I will have to pay anything as a guest at my friend’s house (although we haven’t talked about it, and I don’t think either of us wants to bring it up. I am ok with paying something, I may instead offer a gift of some description, as my friend has only just moved in there herself, and is short a few bits of furniture.

My laptop problem isn’t too big, aside from losing around 15 gigs of files I wanted, and a spreadsheet I was working on and hadn’t kept a backup. The windows error kicked in Wednesday night, just before I went to bed. I’ve got 20 gigs to download, including around 6 gigs of the entire OCRemix.org music archive. I’d spent time on another machine, downloading my ‘essential’ software. I’m happy I’ve got my memory stick. More later on what I did with my laptop.

Thursday was mixed. Work passed uneventfully, save for the IQ games one of my colleagues was producing (hehe, she was struggling with the ones I gave her). I had a meal at J’s, and was there way longer than anticipated because I had a difference of opinion with A. (soon to be housemate.) I wouldn’t leave until I was sure things were ok. No harm done.

1am, Friday morning, and I’m downing my first cup of rocket fuel, ready tinker with the laptop. What would be so exciting that someone may decide to forgo their regular sleeping pattern? Well, I decided, earlier in the day, making me anxious to be at home, to go ahead and install Linux on my laptop. After 6 hours of happy playing with the new OS, and doing my reading up on the desktop, I have to make a tough call. I connect to the net using a USB wi-fi dongle, and installing that on Linux isn’t as easy as I had anticipated. So for the time being I’m back on my windows OS (don’t hurt me!) until I can get a hard line internet connection (September will be internet-less because R doesn’t have an internet connection I can hijack…[not that I would]) I am anticipating that October will be the month of Linux. Once I get the hang of Linux (and have learned how to maipulate it properly,) I am going to start to work on learning a code, however, I don’t know which one yet. My inner geek will be so happy.

So, having wasted most of Friday reading General Protection Fault (gpf-comics.com) and getting up to date, I get home and stay in to clear my balance with the landlord, (who doesn’t show up at 6 when he was supposed to…) Once I’ve called and found he’s not coming till 10 (he ‘forgot’) I go home and get the screwdriver set together and play some bubble bobble with my bro (we got to level 70 I think) and come back. Then I start taking things apart, bed, N’s bedroom furniture, book shelves, desks… by 1am I’ve no energy again, and with my bed in pieces, I make my bed on the sofa.

I’m gonna go play some more Bubble Bobble, and get some junk food while I wait for my entertainment to download, including the latest version of maple, (nexon.net) the next few days it’s just me and my computers, so I’m likely to lose the colour I’ve gained from walking to and from work (30 mins each way, plus a lunchtime meander for around 20 mins, I’m sure it’s the only thing that keeps me remotely fit.)

Next post expected October, don’t hold your breath.

Bouncing...

Hey there all.

I got a little time, (I've got a lot of time,) so I thought I would come on here and make a post. (It's long, very long.)

I'm bored, yes. I've been keeping myself vaguely busy doing nothing... correction... I've been doing nothing to keep myself busy. I don't really spend much time with anyone anymore for fun.

I'm just a bit socially awkward at the minute, mostly because I'm stuck in my head. I'd like to get out more but there's nothing to do out there that appeals to me, I did have an invite from several people to go somewhere on Sunday, but that would have been just as boring as sitting around the house.

There's a useless and decrepit old cinema in the middle of Bradford, The Odeon, which a lot of people have been kicking up a fuss about. I remember as a kid going and seeing films there, which ones I can't remember, but I have no attachment to the building. They're (the government) tearing it down to make way for the centre regeneration plans to go ahead. Anyway, the building is useless now, its been left too long (maybe intentionally) to be recovered. The whole thing is playing on my mind a little bit. It's a useless old building of no real significance, so why the fuss about it's replacement with something that is useful?

Why do people cling to thier past? I always figured it was what made them what they are, or who they are, but I can't shake the feeling that there is something wrong with that. My past is making things difficult for me. I can tell; The logical part of me says that there are no barriers that stop me from doing what I planned, (nothing specific,) but my feelings seem to be filled with a fear or a numbness that stops me from being able to act, completely defying my 'logic'.

My head then takes this into account, there are barriers to my plans, and I've made some of them. What I have placed in my own way, I should be able to get around, but I don't know how.

The plan isn't hard, but my feelings and mind get into such a tangle, trying to work out how I am suposed to move forward.

New piece of information: Recently I have been listening to a friend, and she has been having a few problems, and we worked out that she had decided that she wanted something, and the results of her wanting had caused difficulties in her later life.

Taking this into consideration; I am then faced with the question: is this the same with me, and common to all people, that we decide what we want, and that it holds us down? If so, what is the 'want' that is causing me so much grief, causing a conflict with my plans, so that I am paralysed and un-willing to move? (It is not an inability, but an unwillingness that stops me from moving forward.) Is that which I want reasonable and good? Is it contradictive?

In my friends case, my 'advice' (the process is ongoing, and will likely last a while, until we find the way that works to get her through it,) was to discover what it was she wanted over everything else, (this we have done already,) and then decide on what it is that she should be aiming for with her life.

On the surface this seems good, albeit difficult, to follow through. When we set something up as our aim or want above anything else it becomes an idol, and if it is an unreachable goal, it becomes the cause of much psychological difficulty because we can not please our 'god'.

Well, all this makes sense, but practically what does this mean?

My aim in life at the moment is to get my own space. I want to be left alone. Really that, in my head, is the ideal situation. To have my own space to move and work and do whatever it is I want.

Immediately we see the problem with this (and I detach myself from myself to make the observation and analysis.) It is a widely held belief that people will always need other people in some way. (This belief may or may not be erroneous, but I am unecided on the matter, for the sake of argument, I am assuming it to be true.) If I achieve my aim, then I deprive myself of something I need. I need my own space though (or so I think), so I do not think I need other people. The two needs are contradictory, which causes friction inside my own mind.

The path seems to be a happy medium between having people around, and having your own space to retreat to, but for me this seems impossible to find. With others I feel suffocated, and on my own I feel lonely. The middle ground is not achieveable because you are either with someone or you are not.

If there is no way to satisfy a 'need' does this mean it is not a need at all, but a want? I feel smothered and lonely, almost all the time, and it's hard to understand why, if I follow my argument carefully, I can say that I neither need contact with others, or space to myself, but this is definitely wrong. If I say this I have missed a piece of information out. What have I missed?

The missing information is that of the depth of connections that run between people. (intuitively I know where this is going, but unless I argue it out somewhere I won't get there.) I am also missing the actual 'need' that I have, my bouncing is between believing I need people and don't need people.

If I think about the 'connections' I do have, I can see that I have a lot of people that I am there for, but not open about myself with, people who are close to me, but not close in reverse. I don't let myself be open. If this is what I have, the need to be open with people, why am I closed? The want of space seems to be a mask for a much greater problem.

If I consider the reasons carefully as to why people may close themselves off, I come up with some potential reasons I may be using, which come down to the simple reason that they have a reason to hide and withdraw.

Why then? Is it a fear of rejection? That people, if they knew about me, would disassociate from me, as fast as they could? That disassociation may be based on a misunderstanding, not necessarily based on hatred of the aspects of the 'inner' person. Simply put: People would not understand who I am, and because of that, they would reject me, so I will not share who I am fully, only as much as I can trust the other person with.

If it is a fear of rejection, then the 'want' of my own personal space stands reasonable. Through fear I would want to make it so that I would not be in a place where I could possibly be rejected, and so, decide I want to be left alone, unrejectable. The problem (as outlined above) is that there is a need for people to be open with someone else, be it one or fifty.

If there is a fear of rejection in effect, then, how do I deal with that? (The first person to say I should seek professional help gets a slap.) If it is a fear of rejection, then hitting the 'publish' button at the bottom will undoubtably cost me some effort. How will people deal with this information? Will they plow in and try to sort it, and never even get close, denied because I will keep my distance. If all I have said so far stands to reason, then the best approach is a sly and sneaky one, and it would have to be a very sly and sneaky one, because I am too smart for my own good, and once I realise that someone is getting close, I seem to run away. The closest friends I've got right now are ones that I am dancing around and evading as much as possible.

The way around a fear of rejection is to allow yourself the rejection, to see that it isn't as terrible as you imagine, but this I don't mind, I am comfortable with people not being accepting of me; I can deal with other people's rejection.

Is it a fear of failure? My want of space becomes a measure of success: the independence and ability to survive solo being the goal. Suddenly, my aims all become a part of a larger scheme to achieve success.

I want to be left alone, because I should be able to survive on my own. I should be able to set forth on a path and succeed at it, I should be able to make a plan and follow it without the aid of others. The fear of failing myself is what I am trying to avoid. My plans: to get published, to study psychology, to study theology, to teach what I know, already scuppered because I am afraid of making the mistakes along the way and rely on others to pick me up and help me through. The fear being that I can not do it solo, and therefore, cannot succeed, even if I managed to do it.

The solutions to the fears of rejection and failure are similar, allowing yourself to be rejected and fail. The fears themselves being very similar and tied into each other. My fear seems to be rejection of myself, my actual want is the want to suceed by my standards, in my own way, if I can't do this, I fail and I can't accept failure. The double edge of this being that I fail if I don't try. Damned if I do, for it is impossible to do it on my own, damned if I don't, because I have not achieved what I wanted to.

What is the way out for me? I should accept that I can't succeed at satisfying myself, and accept that I am who I am. This says that I acknowledge that I have set myself up as my own idol. I am saying that I have fallen into a great sin, of making my own standards the most important. I had believed myself 'god' of my world. Lots of other things that come to mind also fit into this particular idea.

The way out is simple. It's the acceptance that I am not the one who decides what is right and wrong, I do not set the bar, I do not have control. If I was the one in control, then no barrier could present itself to me. By saying I have no control, the things I do have control over present themselves to me, understanding becomes possible, and dealing with things going wrong becomes possible. The choices are clear and underlined and whatever happens as a result can happen.

Now... having reached a state of mental well-being (in theory; in practice this is an ongoing process that seems to need repeating every now and again) this brings up a couple of interesting questions. If I am not in charge, then who is? Who is responsible? Who makes the decisions? Does anyone? I have my answers, I believe in a God who is in charge and rules over all, who gives me choices in a world where I had none, who makes me recoverable in the event of failure, who assists and protects. I believe he would do all he can for me, and has done, and so, I can trust him.

I am lucky.

Until next time.

New Short Story - Witchcraft

Witchcraft – © Chris Williams 2007

The rock bounced twice before it sunk under the waves. Tim instinctively begun the search for another, and caught the early morning sun reflecting off his wedding ring.
The honeymoon and he finally gets a chance to take it all in.
How his beautiful wife had confidently strode down the aisle as a bride. How they had passionately shared their first married night.
Too bad its all a sham, he thought, no, not a sham, a set-up. He loved her with all his heart, but this had been too easy. Yes, far too easy. Like it had been planned out by some mysteriously well organised force. Like he’d somehow cheated.
He lobbed a second, more roundish rock, and it sank just you’d expect it to without a second thought. He picked up the next one and threw it vehemently into the sea and made a violent ‘plop’ audible from where he was.
Back on that bloody rainy day, that was when it started.
“What’s wrong with me?” he said to himself. “Good things are happening and I’m stood on the beach like some depressed kid, feeling sorry for myself.”
There was a reason he felt bad, not because it had been easy, but because I had nothing to do with all this, it just… happened.
He picked up another large rock and remembered the day. It was raining, and he’d left his umbrella on the train the previous day. So he stands in the shelter of some cliché looking magic shop, all shrunken heads and Necromicons, while waiting for the bus after getting off the train. Just as cliché as the shop, out comes this old lady. A witch, as cliché as the shop she emerged from. Damn it I should have just ignored her. She asked him if he had any matches. Then again, she would have just turned me into a frog. He told her that he didn’t, but she was insistent he did. If I’d just had my umbrella I would have walked, I always walk. He asserted the fact he didn’t, so she made him search his pockets in front of her. Brilliant. He thought to himself, as he saw himself find the book of matches all over again. She clearly snuck them in there while I wasn’t looking, or an accomplice. Damn witch. The look of confusion, the lighting of the pipe, and the vomit inducing smell. It made him sick just thinking about it. That was some funky stuff she was smoking, no doubt about it.
“Are you coming in then?” she even sounded like a witch.
He made some half assed excuse about needing to wait for his bus to come.
“It’s going to be late, by about twenty minutes. You have time.” Saw it in her crystal ball no doubt. Old witch hag.
In his confusion he let her lead him inside. Same smell as from the pipe faintly filled the air, mixed with a fair amount of damp from the poor weather conditions.
“What can I get you?” He was still confused. “On the house, as a thank you for the matches.” I never had any matches. I still don’t know how I could possibly have given them to you. Witch. “Maybe a charm or a potion.” I don’t need them. Toss off. “Or maybe something more mundane, like an umbrella?” and out of nowhere I say:
“I don’t want anything, just to be happy like everyone else.” And then she smiled and cackled just like the witch she was.
“That I can do for you.” Okay, goodbye, I have to go. He walked out of the shop, just as the bus arrived.
It would have been nice if the strangeness had just been confined to that encounter. Fat chance.
He got on the train to go to work he next morning, and as usual he was still half asleep. Tim had slumped in his seat on the nearly empty train. For some reason on the baggage rack above, he spotted an umbrella. My umbrella.
The train arrived at his stop and he got off. He was puzzled but happy about the return of his umbrella from the lost and never likely to be reclaimed property box. He would have remained happy if he hadn’t seen the old lady, witch, standing at the end of the platform, smiling, just as a witch would.
Tim tossed another rock into the sea in yet another futile attempt to get it to skim. Meh. I’m happy just to hear it plop.
It was lunchtime when the strangeness resumed. The old lady, witch, could be around any corner, yet his early morning stupor which had earlier prevented him from making a packed lunch, had forced him out of the office and to the sandwich shop around the corner.
The shop was packed. This is where I met her. He was behind her in line. He was looking down at his shoes, for want of a better place to look. Here is where we enter fairyland. The old lady, witch, was the same size as the heels on her shoes. She was only a couple of inches high. And up to no good. He watched as she pulled out some form of saw and started cutting away at the heel of her left shoe.
He just watched, what else could I do, say: “excuse me, but there is a tiny witch cutting the heel off your shoe.” Wouldn’t have worked, she would have looked at me as if I’d just walked out of the mad house, and then slapped me for damaging her shoes when the heel falls off.
Instinct cut in when the heel shot out from under her, and sent her tumbling backwards into him. He easily caught her and their gazes met and locked. Time for the kind of weirdness you only see in fairytales.
“I’m Sophie, I uh…” she smiled at him, and he moment seemed to go on forever, he was still holding her, in the same pose that you would see on the poster of some romance chick-flick. “Sorry.”
He apologised too, neither of us had anything to be sorry about. He bought her lunch. They sat outside and ate together, talking. And then I did the most bloody clichéd thing I could possibly do. Then he clumsily asked her out for dinner, and she accepted without question. I wish she’d said no, or at least made me work a little bit harder for it.
Everything went on without the old lady, witch, intervening. They dated, saw movies together, swapped stories, spent time away together. And then I proposed, don’t forget that.
And so, on their first anniversary as a couple, he proposed, and she accepted. Everything was normal. Absolutely everything. Then he started to get suspicious. Pre-marital jitters. Perfectly normal, shake them off and carry on. Suspicious that it had all been too easy. What settled it for him was the wedding. As he sat there waiting, and all stood to watch the bride come walking and he stood to watch her, on the back row, on the end in the aisle. He saw the old lady, witch, and out of everything that day, she was the thing that scared him the most. She was there, as if to say, told you I could do happiness. I wish I told her I told her I wanted to be rich and happy. Maybe she might have left me alone. Everyone knows you can’t have it both ways.
He still expected the old lady, witch, to appear from around the corner just to tell him the debt was repaid and she would leave him alone, preferably forever, but he expected she would turn up at every happy moment in his life, maybe just to remind him she was responsible.
The old lady, witch, had handed him the all-access pass to happiness, for as long as he lived. For free. And all he wanted to do was shake it off, anything to get rid of the witch.
He picked up another rock, it was also doomed to sink to the bottom of the sea, he drew his arm back ready to throw, but didn’t. Instead he stood up straight, and tossed it back onto the beach casually. Enough.
Tim walked back up to the beach and back to his wife. So what if this was all engineered by that witch. She’s done a good job, hasn’t she? I’m married, loved, and in love. So why aren’t I happy with it?
“Happiness isn’t your problem, it’s satisfaction.”
“What?” he looked around and saw no one, so instead of talking to himself in his bedroom where his sleeping wife was, he took it into the lounge. “What?”
“Take the gift.”
“What?”
“I gave you everything you need to be happy, and all the things you want to be happier still. Stop complaining that you didn’t ‘earn’ it.”
“Is it you again?”
No response. Witch, I bet you just like messing with people’s heads don’t you. Forget it. Thank you for your work, now kindly leave me to it.
“Are you ok honey?” Sophie had woken up.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Absolutely perfect. He smiled. Absolutely happy.

(the end, hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I writing it.)
EDIT: Damn thing didnt copy the italics over the first time, sorry if this just made it a confusing read.

What should be in my profile...

I was just messing about on the web, and did a personality test. I think this descibes me well, so if you know me and dont understand me generally, this might help. The only problem is with it is that it doesnt list my weaknesses, only my strengths, but it will do.

INTP (this is my personality 'type')

Private, intellectual, impersonal, analytical and reflective, the INTP appears to value ideas, principles and abstract thinking above all else. This logical type seeks to understand and explain the universe--not to control it! Higher education often holds a particular appeal to this type who tends to acquire degrees and amass knowledge over the entire course of life. Abstract or theoretical subjects are usually the INTP's cup of tea, and academic or research careers may seem attractive to this type. From science and math to economics and philosophy: just name the discipline, and you'll find INTPs perched on the loftiest rungs of theory and analysis. In whatever field they choose, INTPs take on the role of visionary, scientist or architect, and they usually prefer to make their contributions in relative solitude. The mundane details of life may be the INTP's undoing, since this type lives in a world guided by intuitive thinking. Often perceived to be arrogant and aloof, the quiet and sometimes reclusive INTP may have to struggle in the personal realm, as well, for feelings are not this type's natural forte.

Relationships
INTPs live rich worlds inside their minds, which are full of imagination and excitement. Consequently, they sometimes find the external world pales in comparison. This may result in a lack of motivation to form and maintain relationships. INTPs are not likely to have a very large circle of significant relationships in their lives. They're much more likely to have a few very close relationships, which they hold in great esteem and with great affection. Since the INTP's primary focus and attention is turned inwards, aimed towards seeking clarity from abstract ideas, they are not naturally tuned into others' emotional feelings and needs. They tend to be difficult to get to know well, and hold back parts of themselves until the other person has proven themselves "worthy" of hearing the INTP's thoughts. Holding Knowledge and Brain Power above all else in importance, the INTP will choose to be around people who they consider to be intelligent. Once the INTP has committed themself to a relationship, they tend to be very faithful and loyal, and form affectionate attachments which are pure and straight-forward. The INTP has no interest or understanding of game-playing with regards to relationships. However, if something happens which the INTP considers irreconciliable, they will leave the relationship and not look back.

Strengths
They feel love and affection for those close to them which is almost childlike in its purity
Generally laid-back and easy-going, willing to defer to their mates
Approach things which interest them very enthusiastically
Richly imaginative and creative
Do not feel personally threatened by conflict or criticism
Usually are not demanding, with simple daily needs

Maplestory - My Story - day one

Hey there all.

It's been a long time since this blog has seen any action. More often than not it's been a place where I've dumped some very personal stuff, purely to get it out of my system. This time might be one of those times.

For the most part everything is ok. Now I’m probably going to write for the next hour or so, and most likely have you convinced I’m not by the end of the post, so I’ll say it again just for you: Everything is ok. The reason its going down on here is because I don’t want to talk about it, so don’t ask next time you see me, it puts me in a difficult spot.

In brief: I am between jobs again, kind of looking for a girlfriend, still trying to get published, and trying to keep writing.

Most of the time I’ve been playing that wonderful MMORPG called Maplestory (the next person to call it maple syrup is going to get a slap, it’s not funny and I find it offensive, I mean, you’re taking the piss out of what I enjoy doing ffs.) But I’m on temporary ‘leave’ on a bet I’ve made with a friend (more about her later.) and have to be off for a whole week. (this pic is from where I’ve been ‘training’ there are 200 character levels, and I’m 98 at the minute. Normally the guild name appears underneath the character name.)

I don’t know what she aimed to achieve by betting I couldn’t do it, she doesn’t have a serious reward sitting at the end of it all (the bet was for 500 pounds, I’m sure it’s not serious.) I have the strength to do it, I don’t need that proving to me. Maybe she just thought I was spending too much time on it. I don’t think I do, but it’s worth staying off to prove the point. What point? That I am not dependent on the game.

I have a few friends on there, same as in real life, and up until a couple of days ago, I was in a group that calls itself ‘Nocturne’.

Nocturne is our guild, our closest friends. I’ve been a member for several months. Now I’m not a member temporarily because of some drama that went on for me, and two friends.

Shirl, from Virginia USA, came into Nocturne through me. She was standing in town and I saw that she was from the same line of classes as me, so I recruited her. She’s the best damn random recruit I’ve ever met, and everyone is very happy they have her. She’s been having some troubles with a boyfriend, now her ex. I’ve been very supportive for her lately.

Jules, from Birmingham, came into Nocturne before me. Once we started talking we very quickly became good friends and hung out a lot. We have a very close in game relationship, and are very good friends. She has a boyfriend. (Before any of you people ask. We are just friends.) In game our characters are married, but as I have said already, we are just friends (sorry to keep repeating myself, some people just don’t believe it. I guess we are that close.)

What happened a couple of days ago was hard, Jules was having a bad day, Shirl was having a bad day, I was just trying to play the game. All in a two hour, double experience point event. Very early on, Jules logged off, because someone was giving her grief. (this is a mass online game, people are jerks there just as there are jerks in real life) Shirl then started to get annoyed at the whole thing and left not too long after, threatening to quit the game completely. There was nothing I could do about it. I tried to just keep playing, thinking that they would both be ok and come back later, and I would see them the next day, except I start getting pressured by another friend to go and talk to Jules on MSN. I don’t want to at first, but I figure I have to clear this mess up, so I go in all guns blazing and make a scene and completely screw everything up. A couple of hours later I leave the guild and delete anyone who might track me down, I want my space, but I don’t want to quit the game.

Anyway, we cleared up that mess, and most of the fallout from the mess (all that really remains for me I think is to rejoin Nocturne and if possible reclaim my rank.) So in a mock ‘fight’ Jules made me agree to take a week off today.

So this is the end of the first ‘day’. It’s going to be easy. It’s not like I can’t stay away from the game (although when I mentioned it to my brother he suggested that I may cheat by playing on his character. I wont do it, if I really wanted to cheat because I needed a ‘fix’ I would have just made a new character instead.)

On being between jobs, I had an excellent post at the council, which unfortunately came to an end. The work was good and so was the working environment, although my line manager was particularly brutal. I hope very much that they have found someone to replace me who has greater patience than I. Where others could not last a couple of days, I lasted months. They need to find someone permanent. I am back to my super-temp position of needing to get back to my agency.

I’ve submitted to another literary agent with ‘The last Delivery’ I will hear back from them probably next week, as to whether or not they wish to read the full manuscript.

Hopefully in the next week I will have sorted out my work situation, be back on a regular sleeping pattern, and get some sort of pattern back to my writing, which has been very sporadic.

Wishing you all the best, until next time.

Johnny - A Short for the fans

JOHNNY © Chris Williams 2007

Johnny was thrown onto the ground one more time, then nothing. He looked around scared, the dark night concealing his assailant. He stood up carefully, bracing himself for the next hit. It never came. He took a few steps forward, then as he realised he was able, he took longer steps eventually breaking into a run.
He sprinted between warehouses and factories. The entire industrial district was quiet save for his heavy breathing. He paused by some large bins and waited. His vision had tunnelled. He took deep breaths and tried to steady himself.
What happened to Mr. Leigh? He was the one knocking the life out of Johnny five minutes ago. Then there was nothing.
A light flickered on for a second, making the shadows jump, making Johnny jump. He thought he saw the outline of someone.
“Hello?” He said. His voice quivered.
No reply. He fumbled around the bins and started moving again. He had to get away from here. He had to get out of danger. He didn’t know where Mr. Leigh had gone, but he wouldn’t have come alone.
It was all Sandra’s fault. She had fallen in love with him, and then the boss found out about it. He wouldn’t even hear Johnny out. Johnny didn’t care about her. She’d blown it all up.
They’d met by accident. He’d been going to see the boss and she’d just left him, she fell out on the street as they passed, and he helped her up. Johnny expected they’d never meet again, so he forgot about it.
A rat darted across a spot of light ahead of him and disappeared down a hole, Johnny dashed straight through the light and kept running. He didn’t know where he was going. Mr Leigh had just told him to get in the car and when he noticed that there was a guy behind him with a crowbar he’d decided not to run.
Johnny turned and wished he hadn’t. He saw something else cross the light, something bigger. He was sure he was being followed now. He ran on.
Sandra had tried to get Johnny on his own more than once before. She’d sent him notes and messages, even though he’d never given her the details. It wasn’t until he had seen her with the boss until he figured it all out. She was his.
Johnny stopped to catch his breath again. Cautiously viewing all around him. He wiped some blood from his mouth and spat some out. The adrenaline in his system lessening the pain of Mr. Leigh’s beating. Nothing looked like it was broken, but the bruises would stay a while. A lifetime in the business usually made a man more resistant to physical abuse. Johnny knew that the beating he’d got would have stopped most men completely.
There was a good reason Johnny hadn’t fought back.
Sandra had turned up at his door upset and in her dressing gown in the early hours of the morning, on a wet autumn night.
He had invited her into his simple house. It was almost empty except for the basic furniture. Better to leave less behind if he should end up dead like people normally do in his profession.
He put on the fire and wrapped a blanket around her, he gave her a stiff drink and she began to tell him the story.
She’d been thrown out because she wasn’t pleasing the boss anymore, because he’d had enough of her. He wanted younger and fresher ‘meat’ so he’d tossed out the old.
Sandra was still thin and good looking. Johnny thought there was something wrong with that. Instead he let her stay a while. He held her while she cried about it, but when she tried to kiss him he pulled away. It made things too complicated. He couldn’t let her have him like that. So he pushed her away.
She sat a while silent, warming up. Then she said that she would go to her sister’s house instead. So she drove off just before dawn.
Johnny splashed through a puddle. He had got back to where the cars were, but no-one was there. He stepped into the headlights of one of the cars to catch his breath again. If anyone came at him they’d have to step into the light.
He put his hands on his knees and crouched slightly to rest. Then he noticed his shoes, and how the normal light grey of his trainers was now a blood red. He studied them a second before he realised that something else was going on.
Everyone else was probably dead. There was blood but no bodies. So whoever did it wanted to keep it quiet.
Johnny hadn’t heard anything, but his ears had been ringing from Mr. Leigh.
Johnny knew that if everyone was dead then he was going to get blamed. The boss would kill him personally. If the boss didn’t, then whoever did this to the others would get him first. He decided to stay, he could at least find out why the others had been killed.
Johnny thought that Mr. Leigh had run off to save himself, but after wandering carefully around, he found his corpse.
The body had been disturbed, dragged a few feet. Johnny had interrupted them. So they had hid.
He looked carefully a moment. The last time he had seen Sandra she had been with Mr. Leigh. They had been arguing. They stopped when Johnny approached and Sandra reached over and grabbed his arm, locking herself next to him.
Mr. Leigh just walked off then. He wouldn’t be walking away anymore.
Johnny couldn’t look at Mr. Leigh for more than a few seconds. Johnny had done things to people, but he had never gone this far. Mr. Leigh wasn’t just killed, he was mutilated.
Johnny broke and ran back to the car. He didn’t dare think what had happened to the others. They were just gone.
The keys were still in the car, not that it mattered to Johnny. He got it going and drove off. He was going to see his boss.
“Will you have me now?” Johnny heard an all too familiar click behind his ear and felt cold metal push against the back of his head. He had the sense to keep driving.
“Sandra?” He said. “You did all this?” She pushed the gun onto his skin.
“Surprised?” She said. “Did you think I was just a piece of meat for the boss? I have my own life you know.”
“So who are you really?” Johnny had to know. If she was going to kill him, he wanted to know what it was all about first. No point in a meaningless death. That was the only fear he had of death.
“I’m a cop.”
“What?” Said Johnny. “You’re with the law?”
“That’s right.” She breathed a laugh. “I’ve been sleeping with the enemy for years.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Justice Johnny. Justice.” She moved the barrel away from his head, but he didn’t doubt it was still there. “For years these guys have been murdering, stealing, trafficking, dealing and prostituting, and I’ve been collecting evidence. The occasional piece of paper, samples, personal information.”
“Enough to bring us all down?”
“More than enough, but my handlers wont move on it. They can’t. They think that if I wait just a little bit longer, I can get the suppliers.”
“So why are you taking matters into your own hands now?”
“I’m disappearing.” She said. “I’ve lost my place with the boss, and instead of letting them send the next recruit in I’m going to end this now.”
“That’s crazy.” Said Johnny. “They’d just send another boss and recruit more people.”
“I said I was disappearing. That doesn’t mean I’m leaving. If they send more, I’ll take them out too.”
“So you’re going vigilante?”
“No, we are.”
“We are?”
“Yes. We’ve taken care of the goons and now we’re off to take out the boss.”
“We are?” Johnny had planned to do that anyway, but now he was feeling rebellious at the suggestion.
“Yes. You’re heading in the right direction.”
“Yea. I wanted to have a word with him myself.”
“A word?”
“Yea, He thinks you and I were doing things behind his back.”
“He did?”
“Why do you think we were out tonight? They were going to kill me for it.” Sandra was confused.
“They’d said there was a delivery tonight. You were going to pick it up.” She said.
“And when you found Mr. Leigh and me?”
“I didn’t realise.”
“So why me?”
“I still love you.” She said. There was an awkward pause. “I want you to help me, I can’t do this alone.”
“Sandra, I…”
“I’ve already decided what I want to do. Please help me.”
“I don’t want to help you. I want to settle things with the boss and disappear. I’ve always had a plan to do this and now I can.”
“We’re here.”
Johnny pulled up and stopped.
“Let me go alone.” He said.
“Take this.” She offered the gun to him. He looked at it. Silenced.
“Got any gloves?”
“Here.” She took one of her own off.
Johnny tried to put it on, it was a little tight, but it would do. He took the gun and stuffed it into his belt.
The Boss’ private home was just a plain non-descript house in a quiet neighbourhood.
“Wait out here.” Said Johnny. “This’ll take about five minutes.”
Sandra watched as he got out of the car and waited until he’d kicked the door down and gone in before getting out of the car herself.
Johnny shot the two body guards before they could react, and pushed his way through to the boss’ room.
He kicked down the door and ran in. There were no guards inside. It was well furnished and had another exit. A child was playing in front of a fire, a young girl.
The boss stood. Johnny shot him in the leg.
“You tried to kill me.” Said Johnny. “I never slept with Sandra.” He shot the Boss in the head and put his gun away. “Come on little girl. You’re safe now.” She didn’t react but kept playing. He stretched out his hand, just as the other door into the room opened.
“Sandra?” She stepped in.
“I know. You said wait in the car.” She said. Johnny walked to her.
“It’s over. He’s dead.”
“It’s not over yet Johnny.” She said. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry? What…”
Johnny had turned his back on the girl. She had snuck up behind him while he was talking to Sandra. The last things he heard were the click, the shot, and Sandra.
“Good girl.” She said.
They left him there, choking on his own blood. It was over for him.

the end

(minor update on me: I'm working up to going on holiday the week after next, I need it, 7 days in the sun.)